we can do better
The #notallmen argument is a load of bollocks and here’s my view on why.
Before reading this, allow me to acknowledge that I’m a male writing about the realities of what it means to be a woman, so I’m likely to say something that might be out of place or incorrect. I may have no lived experience as a woman but my intentions are from a place of decency. I do however have access to what we all possess (to varying degrees), which is the power of observation and critical thought. With that in mind, let’s get on with it.
Recently I had yet another experience hearing complaints from a man about how annoying these women’s protests are; paraphrasing “we saw another women’s march, protesting about something” (eyes rolled with delivery). The man doing the talking was pissed off at one particular woman he’d noticed, it was her tee-shirt that bothered him, specifically the words written on it; “dont fucking touch me”. I assume he was venting his frustration because he thought of himself as NOT one of those men that would grope a woman (without consent). I added my two cents saying “It’s sad that we’re still in a situation where she needs to be at a protest wearing that tee-shirt” or something of that nature. I was attempting to acknowledge the shitty reality that in 2021, the crappy male on female behavior continues and necessitates women protesting to voice frustrations and demand equality, equality that should simply be a given. We don’t see thousands of men on the streets protesting for equal rights and demanding to feel safe walking home in the dark, travelling to work on a train or merely existing, because men simply don’t face those threats. Nor do men have to deal with the issues of unequal pay, or have gender based stumbling blocks when climbing the ranks of the corporate or political world. Consider this, there doesn’t exist the concept of minimum quota for male representation in political parties, but there does for females, and it’s often set by males. The irony! Men are the perpetrators, the predators, the club members, the privileged. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, you might be part of the problem.
With our collective intelligence you’d think we’d have already dealt with this level of inequality generations ago. Turns out, that and other issues such as not destroying our planet or hating people simply because of the colour of their skin are still on the to be completed list. Am I being too kind assuming we actually possess said collective intelligence? Perhaps. Social change is slow, I get that, but come on, we need to actively work harder at this, and us men need to take more of a lead by changing our behaviour.
A recent Instagram post by the clever satire account Betoota Advocate (IG @betootaadvocate) described a fictitious local man walking home late at night after work when he notices a passing group of rowdy women. Feeling the impending threat of danger he clenches his keys for protection and recalls his self defense training, crosses to the other side of the street to avoid the chance of an unsavory encounter with a bunch of drunk women. It’s satire and sarcasm rolled over a clever bunch of words and one would assume the article’s intention was to give male readers an idea of what goes through the minds of women every day. To no surprise some men just didn’t get it, many made jokes, some people got triggered by it and some thought it was brilliant. We all interpret things differently, the beauty of being human. The comments people posted in response (both male and female) were intriguing. I won’t elaborate on them, but please visit that rabbit hole yourself, it’s a fascinating insight. The point being is that the article provoked discussion and that’s not a bad thing. Conversation, when approached with a calm decorum is a great starting point, and is often a catalyst that leads to change. Sadly for many people, the issue of men’s behaviour towards women doesn’t get much thought and therein lies one of humanity’s big challenges. Apathy.
In recent times we’ve heard about the horrible events surrounding the murder of Sarah Everard in the UK and in Australia we’ve observed the less than average response from the Prime Minister over the Brittany Higgins case. But it’s not just a recent issue, this is old news as it is new news. It’s constant throughout human history, men simply do not treat women with the same respect they demand for themselves. What’s different now is that the voices are louder, they’re not able to be silenced as much as the old days. The voices of female pain and frustration are being heard, they can no longer be ignored and men are challenged by this power shift.
The most frustrating thing to observe is men’s reaction to the situation. Firstly the silence is bullshit. Most of us are engaged on social media on one or more platforms and over the last few months I’ve seen mostly women posting on the topic but most men I follow are deathly silent. I acknowledge that posting a feminist meme or political commentary on social media doesn’t solve the world’s problems but it does make people think, it can start conversations. Men are noticeably quiet on the matter possibly for fear of male retribution, which is no doubt what I’ll get from this article. If men do pipe up it’s often to blurt something unconsidered about it being ‘not all men’ or that they feel attacked by all this ‘male hate’. Point completely missed fellas. Ps. It’s not about you.
The issue of rape and female sexual abuse/violence is a serious matter, there’s no denying that, it sits at the extreme pointy end of a triangle of bad male behaviour. Under the pointy end of the triangle is a raft of shitty male behavior, we grow up with it, we’re both unofficially and systematically taught it. It’s embedded in daily life. There’s still something horribly archaic about how we define masculinity. That toxic tough guy bullshit should have been dead and buried years ago but it holds on like a poorly scripted Rocky movie. Men have emotions, vulnerability, tenderness, sensitivity but they’re all still rarely shown in public because they don’t fit into the expected masculine parameters. This is part of the problem, that absolute thinking that we subscribe to, black and white, us and them, it’s divisive and will always be. The older I get the more obvious the array of grey area is for almost every social issue. Everything is far more complex than its superficial appearance. In terms of masculinity I believe it to be a much broader spectrum than society perpetuates.
What sits underneath the extreme behavior of rape, assult and violonce against women is an excess of unsavory male behaviour. Chances are, if you’re a male you will have experienced it many times. We all have, myself included. It’s the comments men make to each other that women aren’t privy to, like when eyeballing a female at the beach and making some comment about how good bikinis are or rating the ‘fuckability’ a woman is as she walks past you and your mates. Or calling a female a slut because she’s rooted a few blokes you know. Really? What two consenting adults do in their own time is none of your business and why is it that when a woman likes to have multiple sexual partners shes a slut, but when a male does it he’s a champion conqueror? It’s these double standards that we men need to address. (Actually women do a fairly good job of slut shaming each other, duly noted). It’s men complaining about whingey feminist activists and mansplaining that women do have equal pay and equal rights as men and thus don’t need to be protesting, which couldn’t be farther from reality. It’s men saying “women attack men too you know!” Yes, but it doesn’t take much of a google search to see how unbalanced the situation is in terms of male on female domestic violence (that far too often ends in the death of the female), or the statistics on rape, sexual assult/harresment towards women. Did that sentence even need to be written? Let’s be realistic!
Every woman I know has experienced some form of sexual harassment, many have experienced sexual assult and too many have been raped. So really, what point are these men trying to make? Are they opting to put their head in the sand instead of acknowledging that a very real problem exists. Is it because when we acknowledge the existence of a problem we have to accept that change is needed, and change is just too damn hard, even when the outcome of that change will improve the lives of women all around the world. Isn’t that a change worth participating in?
Women are doing all the heavy lifting here, and have been forever. It was only a century ago that women didn’t have voting rights, but if it wasn’t for all those years of protests and activism by women we wouldn’t have that change. We’re in an age of information, possibly information overload but nonetheless the voices of women are there, they can’t be unheard. As men we need to listen, we need to tap into that empathetic part of us and listen. Perhaps to begin with, a lot of us need to look up what empathy means. It’s impossible for a man to have a female lived experience but we can listen, we can learn, and we can definitely change our behaviour. Start by talking to your partner, mum, sister, girlfriends or any female. Ask them what they’ve experienced in terms of sexual harassment in the work place or school, or when they’ve been made to feel uncomfortable in the presence of certain men. The idea is for us to get a better understanding of what women go through, which in tern helps us alter our behaviour as men. What I hear from women is that they often don’t talk about these issues with men because they feel the situation won’t ever change. But that change is within us.
Years ago I was in a place where I didn’t call myself a feminist because of what the word represented to me. I was one of those ‘not all men’ kind of people. I called myself a ‘humanist’, genuinely wanting equality for all but completely seeing it from a males perspective. I’m sharing this because it’s important to acknowledge that as humans we can change, and change is a positive thing, so is being open to new ideas and perspectives, even the challenging ones.
If you want equality for both women and men then you’re a feminist. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s the reality. That’s all a feminist wants, equality. It’s very simple. However, to call yourself a feminist isn’t enough. What any social change needs is active behavioural change. I’m not saying I’m perfect in terms of my approach, far from it. I’d say I’m a feminist with L Plates, however there is always a new perspective to learn and discuss, a change in the way I think, react, behave, interact. To be active is a better alternative than doing nothing and expecting the problem to go away, change simply doesn’t happen that way. What we can do, especially the blokes, is to call poor behaviour out, to have the difficult conversations even when it creates that awkward social silence at the dinner table. Change needs to start somewhere. Let it start with you.
My motivation for writing this isn’t just because I have two amazing daughters, a loving lady partner, an amazing mum, a bunch of amazing female friends and that I want for them to feel safe from the actions of men, of course I want that, we all do. I wrote this because as humans we expect equality, but it’s not there. It’s simply not there and it’s unfair. If you’re a person that doesn’t want that basic human right for all people (equality) then you’d be heartless, and as much as human behaviour is consistently disappointing, I refuse to believe that half the population are totally heartless. I think men are better than that. We can do better.